somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize