Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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