He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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