no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
