I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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