So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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