1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
