Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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