The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
