My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
