I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize