Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
