is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
