I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is classic penis vs brain.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
