hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize