I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
