Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
