Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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