I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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