my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
