No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
