you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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