Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
