Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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