like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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