I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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