i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
