Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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