I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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