I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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