he thought i was a dude.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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