Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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