Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
