i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize