I'm really into asian looking animals
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
