I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
