I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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