I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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