Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
