Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
