i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
