My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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