Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
