Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
