There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He did a backflip because drugs
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
