i don't plan on having that self control this summer
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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