I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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