I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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