A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
