This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
is it fun? or sober?
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