"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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