She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
