Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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