I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize