my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
