I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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