I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize