u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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