i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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