Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
