we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize