Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
