Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
